Five Disturbing Trends That Make Womanhood A Ball.

Note: Subjective. Irrational. Hence personal.

1. Have you noticed that when people talk about 'the real Indian Woman' it's always someone who is well-behaved, homely and generally not tattooed? The real Indian woman should have as many opinions as a cow. Moo.

2. Before marriage the best daughters study, have relatively sane friends, love no boys, know no evil gadgets, speak no ill, respect all elders. After marriage the best daughter-in-laws cook, clean, work, love (own) husband, be friends with his friends, 'be family' with his family, be a know-it-all in all, umm, areas, respect elders all around neighbourhood. Oh. And turn out to be smooth baby vending machines too.

3. When there is work to be done you are a grown woman. When there is a college trip to Kullu-Manali you're too young. Why? Because ALL the gundas and the mawalis in the country(s) have waited ALL their lives to kidnap you. In such cases, extreme examples of your dirty room are cited with the obvious dictum that if you can't take care of your own room then you obviously cannot take care of yourself. Because this logic makes sense. You know. Stoopid girl.

4. Empowerment is a good concept but you must not try to show it through your clothes. Clothes must always reflect the woman inside you. If the woman inside you is a cowboy or a tomboy you must cover her up with the right coloured dupatta and kurti.

5. Gossiping is bad. Women who gossip are social outcasts whom people follow hungrily on Twitter only. The real woman never engages in it. Learn from the men; righteous beasts who never engage in such harmful activities. That story you heard the other day about the Girl With the Butterfly Tattoo who had asked her boss for a lift after the late night office meeting and whose reputation got shredded into microscopic bits, was not spread by a jealous male colleague. God tweeted that. Sorry it's trending under #slut.

Sigh. The things we have to live with. Fair and Lovely maketh no Indian woman ye of little brain! It is that thing inside a person, with its shades of pure white, pitch black and glorious grey that make them who they are. Unless of course you are green and a Smurf. Judge if you will but love, hate and opinions all have the tendency to boomerang. Beware!